Television Is Dead

This Rant brought to you by:  Alex Tisdale

TV rots your brain.

I want you to think about all the terrible shows that people really do watch.  Then, look at the numbers.  TV spouts a lot of bullshit and sadly the only reason is the ratings.  And it truly is shit.  People actually watch what you pass by with your remote in hand and the scowl on your face.  Terrible shows that shit on everything you've ever known about quality entertainment.  Most of which also shits on what you know is worth paying money for.  And there it is, week in and week out—shit on your screen and the American public just keeps eating that shit up. 

Shit like NCIS.

Every week it’s the same contrived thing.  OH NO--A BODY!  Call the NCIS!  Quirky characters trying to be cool and likable save the day.  Tune in next week for the same thing.  Now, I’m a fan of shows like Law and Order.  You should be scratching your little noggin asking, “But Alex, that’s the same thing too, right?”  No.  It’s very different.  What separates them?  Several things:

A unifying and consistent theme.
A cast of great actors.
Real information about LAWS and JUDICIAL PROCESS
Real life application
Quality writing from people who have done RESEARCH

“But Alex, I love the actors on NCIS—especially that goth girl tech wizard!  She’s so cool and funny!” 

No.  Not in the slightest.  She’s a stereotype being made fun of while at the same time exploited to “be cool” for all the viewers out there that might feel a bit “different” than normal folks.  Look at that, a goth girl works for the government!  Don’t put up your black lipstick just yet, you can still get a job with the government like her. They even have her sleeping in a goddamned coffin.  A COFFIN.  WORKING FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND SLEEPING IN A FUCKING COFFIN.

And say what you will about Mark Harmon being a cool guy, but his haircut is an embarrassment to the United States of America.

And while that national anthem is playing in your head, I want you to think about the other horrid excuses for creativity that people love; like singing shows.  Singing shows that make themselves look like a talent show, but really the public only tunes in to see all the screw-ups and laugh at them.  That’s right America; you’re a really big jerk.  Shows like American Idol, America’s Got Talent, and The X Factor are pieces of dogshit on the heel of America’s shoe that make a funny sound when stepped in so they laugh.  That’s right.  They step all in that shit and laugh ‘til they pee themselves.  What fun it must be to hear terrible singing or watch someone put their reputation on the line for a talent they believed in for so long only to have it destroyed and ridiculed by everyone at home.  And  what’s worse is that we glorify these people sometimes.  People like William Hung who made it to American Idol tryouts only to be laughed at and told he was too funny to not be in show business.  People like that who think they are being genuine, but are told “Hey man that was pretty funny, thanks for making us laugh!  Go do that for a living!”  What a load of horseshit.  This guy had a passion for singing and really put himself out there for people to like him and instead he got people to make fun of him and like him for being a complete idiot.  It’s not just wrong, it’s pretty sad for him and the people who think they are still decent human beings after laughing at his dreams.

And then there’s Glee.  That annoying fad that culminated after High School Musical taught teens everywhere that everyday can be a musical.  Goddammit.  What could possibly be better than hearing your favorite songs?  How about pre-pubescent kids singing them in medleys while going through the mundane melodrama of their high school careers?  Yes.  Why not pay money for it?  Let’s watch this for a whole fucking hour so they get enough songs in to regale us forever.  Kill me now. That damn show makes me long for the days of movies without sound.  

Do you remember when talent shows were worth it?  When things like Star Search brightened our days and showed us that there were individuals out there willing to showcase themselves in front of thousands of people—and instead of sucking, they actually rocked the house?  The Voice is currently attempting that process.  They pre-screen their contestants so they know that they won’t embarrass themselves.  They won‘t let the American public become drooling ass-hats that laugh over indulging people they view as less than themselves.  That I can respect.  And some of the singers are even adults!


For the American public it’s not enough to watch the shitty lives of teenagers.  There are plenty of shows out there that exploit the lives of the everyday grown-up idiots well.  Shows like Duck Dynasty, American Pickers, and all the other stupid ass shows that deal with absurd jobs that rednecks do.  Sure they get paid to do all that, but at the end of the day they are still just backwoods hicks getting laughed at by everyone else in America—even the other backwoods hicks.  It’s bad enough that we have bad fiction on TV trying to entertain us, but when we stoop so low as to bring out our cultural worst and exploit them for laughs—now we've crossed a line.  I can’t even really be mad about it; I’m genuinely just upset that we think that’s acceptable.  Shit like that is teaching our children that cultural incompetence and underdeveloped adults are okay to laugh at in society.  And that’s why we keep churning them out too.  

And you know, if it’s not the culturally inept getting laughed at, then it’s real people being assholes in a house full of assholes in order to make money.  Big Brother and Survivor, I’m looking at you.  Let’s put a bunch of people in a house and have them fight it out for a few thousand dollars.  No!  An Island!  Yeah, put them on an island!  That’s too boring…MAKE THEM COMPETE!  Hell, make them survive on their own as teams and the one who dicks over everyone they've met gets to keep the money!  What fun!  It’s the modern day gladiator arena pussied down to the great American sport of dickery.  And when you get tired of them screwing each other over, you can always hope for a night scene where two of them screw for real at terrible angles and for only a minute tops.  Man, what am I waiting for?  Take my money! 

That's what TV has become.

Bullshit shows like Jersey Shore get 9 whole seasons while quality television gets cancelled for too few viewers.  Firefly.  Joss Whedon’s masterpiece gets tossed away only to survive on cult following that generates more money and buzz than any other property.  It has more depth and quality writing/acting than many shows in the history of television.  It has won an astounding amount of applause and global praise.  But it gets only one season.  Jersey Shore gets 9.  A pack of horny failed adults living in a house doing nothing but partying and ruining their lives.  The only value ever attained from such a show is a blatant “what not to do” advertisement.  Shows like Fringe make us think about the world around us and what’s possible.  Shows like Justified entertain while showcasing strong moral dilemmas and passionate character developments over poignant and real issues.  Everything else is dribble.

What happened to our standards?  What happened to the quality of storytelling?  It’s sad that this is the shit that makes money, too.  That’s what you assholes out there are watching.  People with real degrees in writing and strong passions for creativity can’t make a living in entertainment anymore because you think it’s funny when some old redneck yells at his family over stupid shit for an hour.

You should want to watch something better.  Something more enlightening.  Something with better acting and better talent poured into it so that when you watch it, your brain expands to new thoughts; new ideas; new perspectives.  TV should show you things you couldn't see or imagine before, not the crap you know the idiots in the swamps and frat houses of New Jersey are doing.  TV used to be something important.  It used to tell us stories with visuals that inspired us.  It used to inform us of the world around without dousing us in trends and bullshit experiences.  And it only exists this way because we, the public, keep paying them with our viewing time.

So to all of you out there that think any of that literal shit is great and totally worth your time and money, I leave you with one single message

Want better; Watch better; Be better.   For all of us.

NEXT:  Nicole Angeleen takes aim!  In a more specific look at TV, Nicole brings us the death of the sitcom!