Yes, the Oscars are bullshit; get over it.

by Javy Gwaltney

Hey, hey, you. Yeah, you: The fart munching douchebro wearing that horrendously knitted tuque, blabbering about the irrelevance of the Oscars. Stop talking for a second. No, really—STOP.  You’ve  been talking for weeks now, venting about how The Hobbit didn’t get a nomination.

We get it.

Now stop bullshitting everyone. You KNOW that on some fundamental level you care about the Academy Awards. Yes, yes, it’s the most grandiose circle jerk in the world, but it’s also the flavor of the month as far as universal conversation topics go. You have to be aware of its presence and, more than likely, you’re going to know the results of the show—even if you just settle for looking up the winners after the show's over. One way or another you’re going to be drawn into that conversation  at one point, whether it’s water cooler talk, blogging, or getting in screaming  matches with uninformed and tasteless plebeians.

I’m not saying you’re completely wrong, my friend, pal, my El Duderino, because there is a lot of validity to the often vitriolic criticism of this media extravaganza dressed up as critical recognition ceremony. Most of the judges for the academy awards are, in fact, mostly old white dudes, meaning that the dominating perspective belonging to the people deciding who gets what is largely patriarchal, antique, and blandly uniform. And yes, the fact that these awards are decided by people who have/are involved in the film industry as opposed to, you know, the regular viewer like you and I is kind of insulting. Apparently the majority of people who watch movies are only worthy of writing in votes for the various, inane People’s Choice awards given out by every entertainment news entity under the sun. (But then again, I guess there's the flip-side of that argument: Do you really want the bros next to you in the theater to vote Transformers for Best Picture AND HAVE THAT VOTE MEAN SOMETHING? Fucking democracy.)

And yes, yes, we could go on about this or that, but the question I want to put forth to you is when has any of this been new and why does it matter? Let’s revisit 1990 when Dances with Wolves beat out Goodfellas—yes, the Goodfellas—for Best Picture. I’m gonna let that sink in: Dances with Wolves, which has been an influential film for...James Cameron, over FUCKING GOODFELLAS, a movie that’s every facet has influenced cinema in some way.

And you know what? 23 years later, which movie is respected more? Which one has nearly unanimous praise lavished upon it whenever it’s brought up in conversation?  Here’s a comforting truth, friend: the good movies always win. Maybe not immediately, but in terms of critical appreciation and having a place in cinematic history, they win in the long run.  Think about it. Which title means more to you: Chariots of Fire or Raiders of the Lost Ark. Guess which one took home Best Picture? Or how about 2002? When Chicago beat out both The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and The Pianist (because apparently letting an OK musical win over two masterpieces was funky fresh in Hollywood then, I guess).

Yes, all my emotional problems can be tied back to Kevin Costner somehow, okay? Satisfied now?

So yes, you're right that ultimately the Oscars don’t matter, but why are you stamping your fucking feet about them? Don’t rain on everybody’s parade just because you think you have an oh so insightful perspective about the superficial nature of these award ceremonies.  Pack away your ridiculous, indignant attitude. Relax. Have a beer. Chuckle when Robert Downy Jr. does his “I’m fucking Iron Man” smirk or guffaw at Billy Crystal when he delivers a flat joke because he’s just so goddamn lovable and you pity him. Hell, you might have a good time!

The problem with taking a frivolous event where the industry is blatantly patting itself on the back seriously isn’t with the event: it’s with you. I don’t pull down my pants and drop a deuce on the face of every football fan I come across just because I find the sport to be boring. I understand it has an appeal to people even though it’s ultimately, to me, at least, rather pointless. Plus, shitting on someone’s head without their consent is probably illegal.

 So step off the soapbox and lower your voice—yes, just like that—and chill out. Don’t try and make me feel like shit because I enjoy trivial things you highfalutin son of a bitch.

NEXT: It's time for the first-ever Ran(t)som Notes MEGA-RANT! Hold onto your fragile senses as Brian and Glenn take The Walking Dead to task for its many sins, and thrill as Nate attempts to come to the televised zombie phenomenon's defense. You don't want to miss this one!