Set a course for the 24th century!

Time travel stories are often predicated on the notion that if you change something while in the past it can alter the future, and just ask Ashton Kutcher and his magical composition books how that can turn out… drama motherfucker.

Now I love time travel stories. They’re stories, that when done right, are the kind you can paradoxically discuss at length with your nerd brethren.

But I guess I’ll get to the crux of the problem. Once you give a hero or villain the innate ability to travel through time, there’s ultimately nothing to stop them. Look how many chances Skynet has taken to kill John Connor, two good ones, and two really bad ones. But when you fail, just go back and try again, and again and again. World domination through trial and error. That’s a whole lotta power.

My favorite example of this principle is Star Trek: First Contact. The villainous Borg, can evidently travel in time whenever they want. Well they failed to prevent humans from getting warp speed… this time. Of course there’s nothing to say they can’t try again, or already have. Nothing to keep them from traveling back to give themselves technology from the future to grow exponentially powerful. Too much power for one Queen Bee to have.

"Te- tell me how you do that time travel thing..."

Now Picard  has that power with seemingly no explanation at all. “Set a course for the 24^th century…” and boom, humans can travel in time while ignoring the obvious physics that require using the gravitational pull of the sun as a slingshot. Duh.

These bozos, smart enough to create time travel, never really seem to know what to do with it. They NEVER go back far enough to vanquish their enemies or achieve their goals, like warp speed and first contact. It’s always at that  pivotal moment when the hero, or target is just on the cusp of accomplishing whatever they’re trying to prevent. You gotta fuckin’ time machine, dude, give yourself a little leeway...

Heroes aren’t too bright either. Marty goes back to 1886 to save Doc’s life (BTTF 3) and figures, “Eh, 3 days ought to do it.” Why not go back a little further? Well probably because you learned from Doc, who gave them about 15 minutes to prevent a total disaster (BTTF 2).

"Doc, I don't think that shirt's gonna be in style in two years..."

But then evidently there are some changes that should never be made. “Can’t mess with the time stream… y’know, a lot.” Unless you’re Sam Beckett and you Quantum Leap all over the place doing just that. Good for you. Throw that worrisome space/time continuum shit out the window and tell me a good story.

Who comes up with these ethics anyway? No one sent Van Damme the Timecop, to stop Ashton and his magical composition books. But hey, here’s hopin’ there’s still time.

Next Brian Martin: ”Chosen Ones: the Roast of Skywalker and Neo.”